Everyone knows and loves Alice in Wonderland. The tale is an essential part of childhood and its themes also prove to be influential to various other types of media.

Recently in my AP Literature class, we re-read Lewis Caroll’s classic story Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland. As I read the book, now being 18, I realized that there are some much more scholarly and physiological dilemmas woven through the story than I could have ever realized as a child.

The conflict between childish and more grown-up themes and conflicts gave me the idea to create some articles that capture both the whimsy and dark sides of Wonderland. Here are four articles that I think would fit pretty well in an edition of “The Wonderland Times.”

BREAKING NEWS: A STORY OF LOST TARTS

This just in: The Queen of Hearts’ tarts are missing! These delicious strawberry tarts were baked to utter perfection by the Queen herself this past Tuesday, but now, where have her tarts gone?

“The tarts were left right there on my table,” said the Queen of Hearts. “And when we find who stole my tarts… well, off with their head!” 

It is clear that no sane person would have acted out against the Queen in such a way, surely this act was done by a mad person!

One source has told reporters, “clearly it would not have been the dormouse or the dodo because they are obviously allergic to strawberries, you see.” From this insider information, detectives have been able to weed out these animals. In addition, the King of Hearts has been ruled innocent because he declared, “Well if I did it, who would judge the case? I could most definitely not rule myself guilty!”

Upon further inquiries and a formal Caucus Race, detectives believe the Knave of Hearts to be the stealing traitor. 

“He wears a red cape, so that must mean he likes strawberries!” One of the cardmen exclaimed- and how can anyone argue against this clear, straightforward evidence?

More to come of this story…

As the Knave of Hearts has been captured and brought in to face the Queen, all of Wonderland stares on as the action takes place.

The trial is set to end in about four hours, or whenever the first animal in the jury box has to use the bathroom first. The King of Hearts is calling upon witness after witness, most of which are just here to taste test a tart.

A set of letters has been introduced to the trial, but without a signature, the material does not help the Knave’s case. 

The Queen desires a sentence to be declared, but some audience members have rudely rebelled. Reporters cannot foresee if the Knave will have his head cut off or not, but a verdict will appear clear soon…

The Opium Epidemic: Will Wonderland put a Ban on Smoking?

Have you seen your friends smoking so much that all of their problems seem to melt away? Will you join your friends,  or will you come to the realization of the dangers of these drugs? Whatever your stance on this Victorian trend of smoking  (particularly opium) keep reading to see both sides to the story.

“Opium is a complex and variable mixture of substances reflecting differences in both the starting material and the traditional practices of the regions in which it is produced” (K). This drug is extremely dangerous when abused, as it is similar to heroin and morphine.

Even as it presents dangers to those who use opium, the drug can also help with pains connected to hysteria, depression, mood swings, and even childbirth. 

In 1685 England, there are no restrictions on drugs of any kind. One may take a step back and think that the Victorians are addicted- but ask any of them and they’ll say smoking is simply a normal hobby.

You can walk into any chemist shop, marketplace, or street vendor and get opium for pretty cheap. 

And, if you’re worried about people thinking you’re a “drug addict” or a “fiend,” don’t sweat it. “There [is] no moral condemnation of the use of opiates and their use [is] not regarded as addiction, but rather as a habit” (D). 

Now, while opium seems like a great option to some, others are concerned with its negative effects on health. Common side effects of opium are constipation, dry mouth and nose, weakness, and low blood pressure- sometimes leading to death.

With such great risks, many questions if there should be restrictions put in place to make drugs harder to acquire and lessen the harm done to people’s beings.

Our reporters took to the streets of Wonderland to get some outside opinions on how smoking opium affects them, and whether a hookah ban may be necessary.

Reporters came upon a caterpillar atop a mushroom, the perfect candidate to provide some more insight into this story.

“Care for a smoke?” the Caterpillar asked upon the team’s arrival.

After denying this request, the Caterpillar did not seem to care. “Suit yourselves, more for me.”

When asked how the Caterpillar acquired such large amounts of opium, he concluded, “I can get this anywhere I want, anytime I want. This stuff is magic.” And then, when asked if the readily availableness of such strong drugs is concerning, he laughed and said “what is concerning is that you care so much about my business.”

The Caterpillar then went on to say that “personally, I prefer to live in a world of opium and mushrooms rather than the madness of reality.”

From the Caterpillar’s response, it seems that he was either too high to offer anything valuable, or, Victorian opium users believe more in the benefits than the harmfulness. This story will be continued once more conclusive evidence is offered.

The Fairness and Quality of Wonderland Education

For this special article, our reporters interviewed Mock Turtle, one of the most well-renowned attendees of the Underwater School for Fish & Reptiles, and Alice from the English School of Humans. Mock Turtle was in school a few years ago and has recently shared some of his views on the Wonderland education system, whereas Alice is currently in school and shows a different side to education. 

 These interviews are sure to spark questions regarding the rigor and importance of education in society.

Included next are direct thoughts from Mock Turtle and Alice, Reporter notes on Alice’s actions and exclamations, and some synthesis/analysis regarding the aforementioned information. 

Interview with Mock Turtle:

Reporter: “So could you tell us what school was like when you attended Underwater?”

Mock Turtle: “Well, ‘I only took the regular courses…. Reeling, Writhing, Ambition, Distraction, Uglification, Derision, Mystery, Laughing and Greek, etc.’”

Reporter: “So you only took regular courses. Are there any other courses?”

Mock Turtle: “‘Washing [was] extra… [But,] I couldn’t afford to learn it.’”

Reporter: “Interesting, how many hours did you spend at school each day?”

Mock Turtle: “‘Ten hours the first day… nine the next, and so on…. the lessons lessen from day to day.’”

Interview with Alice:

Reporter: “What do you normally do in school?”

Alice: “I have learned stories about ‘children who had got burnt, and eaten up by wild beasts.’ I have also learned that ‘if you drink much from a bottle marked “poison,” it is almost certain to disagree with you.’”

Reporter: “Clever, so how do you practice your facts?”

Alice: “Well usually I recite them to others, like when I told the Duchess that ‘the earth takes twenty-four hours to turn around its axis.’ Or when I was falling down the rabbit hole I said to myself ‘I must be getting somewhere near the center of the earth…  that would be about 4,000 miles down.’”

Upon analysis of the Mock Turtle and Alice’s views and experiences regarding education, it is clear that there are variations to the schooling systems of both realms. 

In Wonderland, students seem to be less pressured to focus on manners and following social norms, but rather learn more skills based on cognitive thinking. Alice shows that the real world can often put too much pressure on children to recite monotonous poems and be locked within a rigid system. 

Mock Turtle’s insight also shows how, on a deeper level, the cost of some schools can often prohibit students from being able to take “extra” classes and to pursue areas of knowledge that are now restricted because of money. Alice’s remarks caught by the reporters also reveal how there is a hierarchical aspect to many English schools, as class also affects the level of education and opportunities that people receive.

Everything you Need to Know in Order to Throw a Truly Mad Tea Party

Special guest Mad Hatter is here to reveal the most crucial steps for creating a top-notch tea party!

“This is no joke I tell you! Only the most serious of planning and organization goes into the best Wonderland parties,” the Mad Hatter tells us.

“First things first, you must find a shady tree with a table big enough to fit 20 guests, no more, no less. The shade is crucial as to not let the sun heat the tea, or cook the dormouse to death”

“Next, set out enough plates, saucers, cups, napkins, and silverware to fill up five dishwashers when all’s said and done.”

“Once the table is set, you may begin to prepare the food, or hopefully the food will prepare itself… Obviously, you need to have tea at a tea party, so crush up some leaves (try to pick out the sticks and bugs) and boil. My favorite treats include anything with cream- whipped cream, ice cream, cream cheese, you name it, we have it.”

“Now, once the settings and food are out, it is time to get yourself ready. I always recommend letting loose a little- let your hair down, and if it’s too crazy, well put a hat on of course!  If I just get your measurements, I can craft you the perfect party hat within minutes!”

“A secret tip I always follow is to never wear anything too restrictive, once you get a load of the March Hare’s rabbit’s foot dish, you’re going to need some stretchy pants!”

“Now, you are finally ready to invite your guests. Be careful who you chose because you could end up with a total bore, or quite the opposite. And you never want to get stuck having to entertain your guests, they should entertain you!” 

“I recommend only ever inviting two guests to your party, any more than that will crowd the table, you see. Once you begin the stable setting rotation, any more than three guests will clutter the whole thing!”

“After you and your guests introduce one another, you must find an appropriate topic of discussion. I cannot stand politics, Kings, Queens, or anything of the sort. I much prefer to discuss things that actually matter, like what feathers I chose for my hat today, or how we can keep the dormouse from falling asleep 24/7 (it’s really becoming a problem).

“Never put a time limit on your tea parties, they could last four days, or just a minute or two- who’s to tell me when I’ve had enough fun! Keep your party lively and mad, until you yourself are driven so!”

“Please take all of my advice with seriousness, or don’t listen to any of it! See what I care! Now, if you are ever in my neck of Wonderland, feel free to stop by for a sip of tea, but please don’t sit down, there’s surely no room.”

Special Bonus: The Mad Hatter’s Recipe for a “Buttered and Stewed Time Crunch”

 

Cook Time: “Who’s counting?”

Yield: “Huh, that’s a sign on the road!”

 

Step 1: Remove your watch

Step 2: Check the date, not that this matters all that much

Step 3: Dunk the watch in your tea of choice (chamomile will give best results)

Step 4: Smother in butter

Step 5: Sprinkle some sugar on top

Step 6: Take a bite of this timeless treat. Enjoy!